Oh, the Things I Say on my Bike

Yeah, the verbal smack down I give out would totally make your head spin.  If you haven’t realized already, this post is going to be one of those “don’t be as stupid as me” type articles.

Don’t do as I do.  I may be a trash talking bonehead when I’m on my bike, but I don’t encourage any of you to follow my bad example.

In my defense, however…..I do see it more like a game.  It’s me against them, and my rage-full words are just a part of the action.

A lot of the yelling and swearing I do goes out to the open air and nobody likely can hear it.  But there are several (okay quite a bit more than several) instances where the words are a direct hit on the ones they are intended for.

I thought it might be cool to lay out some of the things that come out of my mouth and the situation in which they were spewed.

Note: Cycling in Grenada is probably a whole lot different than where you’re from.  Riding here also isn’t as insane as I make it sound.  You see, I get off on the adrenaline rush and my type or riding is conducive to the emotions that rage while I’m out there.

“Get off your damn phone” – This one is given out to absolutely anyone I see with a phone in their hand.  If you read my post called, Drop the Phone, you’ll know just how passionate I am about this one.

“If you’re going to pass me, make sure you know what to do with the road in front of you.” – Quite often I get people passing me and then soon after I have to slow down because of them.  It totally irritates me and once I catch them, I come up to their window and say the above.  (yeah, I leave the swearing out for this one most times)

 “Get the fuck off my road” – Probably my most used go to release when drivers are pissing me off with what they are doing.

“You are a fucking religious hypocrite” – Yeah, nobody is safe when I’m raging.  One time I got cut off by a car that had some sort of religious “love everyone” message on their back window.

“Any fucking idiot can drive a car….and you just proved it.” – Come on now, this one just feels good to let out….especially when they hear every word of it.

“Obviously you’re not learning anything from your instructor.  Do you want me to train you?” – I got cut off by a learner driver during one of their training sessions.  I then rolled up beside the driver, looked the instructor in the eye, and said this.  It’s no wonder we’re pumping out bad drivers.

“I’ll let you pass when I’m ready for you to pass.” – Drivers probably don’t hear me say this one, because I’m in front of them when I say it.  Many times I can sense a driver wanting to pass me when it’s just not safe to do so.  I take the full road and make sure they can’t pass until I say they can.  (Sometimes I’ll also do this if a driver pissed me off, and then  I get in front of them)

“Cut me off around a corner again, and you’ll wake up with 4 slashed tires.” – Sometimes in the most dangerous of situations, you need to use the most violent choice of words.

“Next time I’m just going to run into you, and guess what?  I don’t have insurance to cover the damage.” – When I get the opportunity to catch a driver who has almost killed me, I make sure I lay something thought-provoking on them.  In these situations, I do my best to keep it clean and sound professional.

“You realize that you just drove the past 5 miles like a moron, and got here at the same time as I did…..on a bike.” – This is an everyday occurrence here in Grenada, and I honestly wish I could educated people on how their crazy fast and dangerous driving only saves them a couple of seconds each day.

Sound Off

What are some of the craziest things you’ve said to a driver while on your bike?